hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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