Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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