we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
