I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize