Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
