It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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