did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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