It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
