We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it was like eating out sand paper
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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