bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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