Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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