I didn't shave. On purpose
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
