and she was petting her beer can
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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