I look better un-naked...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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