i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
