You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
