apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
