She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
