guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
