1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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