Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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