Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
