So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Randomize
