you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
