We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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