You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
