I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
