Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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