More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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