Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
