I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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