She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
