I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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