I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
