I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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