Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
