i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
