i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
