Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My ATM looks so different sober.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now