Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying