i think my mom watched the whole time
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
