I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid