Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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