somebody snuck up and got me drunk
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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