Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
