i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
