Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
