I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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