i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
