I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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