So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
