Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
