So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
