Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize