a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
