:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
