Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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