i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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