so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
