did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
