just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
