there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
