I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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